The Crucible: What Happened Next
by dabbling
Summary: Finding Adam in the desert wasn't the end of the story. Adam and Ben both struggle with their manhood and their faith. Every member of the family plays a part as they knit themselves back together.
1. Chapter 1

A/N This was, I think my most favorite episode of Bonanza ever (probably since I'm such an Adam-lover!) I just couldn't be satisfied with not knowing what happened next.

The Crucible: What Happened Next

Chapter 1

Ben held his boy firmly, his heart pounding. He felt Adam's body shake with sobs, a sensation he'd not experienced in more than 20 years. His heart went out to him, with empathy for whatever it was that had brought him to this state, but at the same time Ben felt as though a great weight had been lifted from around his neck. Hoss and Joe were there, too, transfixed. Ben could feel Joe's strong hand on his shoulder.

"Shhh. Pa's here now. You're all right, Adam. You're all right," Ben soothed, just as he had soothed the child so many years ago. He felt Adam's hands tighten around him.

"Pa..." he sobbed again.

"Shhh..." Ben turned his head slightly towards his middle son. He kept his voice soft and low. "See if you can't rig up a shelter here, Hoss."

Silently, Hoss nodded and stood, taking a few steps back from the scene. His own heart was in torment at seeing his brother this way, but he too was relieved they'd found him alive.

As Ben continued to soothe the broken man in his arms, he instructed Joe to help Hoss with a few meaningful glances. It took the younger man several seconds to get to his feet. He'd never seen his brother in such a state, in all their years together. Ben raised his hand and stroked Adam's hair. He sensed that he was quieting now, and as the man's grip loosened, he gently eased him back until he supported his own weight. Raising a hand to Adam's darkened face, he spoke. "It's all right now, son. We'll get you home."

The response was a look of confusion. Adam could hardly remember what "home" meant. He gulped back a new wave of sobs and accepted the canteen that his father held to his lips. Closing his eyes, he savored the sensation as the liquid washed the dust from his parched throat. His own canteen had been emptied two hours before, and Adam had savored that drink as well, thinking it would be his last.

"Joseph, bring me my saddlebags," Ben said quietly, using the tone usually reserved for spooked horses. Joe brought the bags immediately, and rummaging through them, Ben found a clean towel. He wet it down and gently wiped at Adam's face. "We'll get you cleaned up some, and then get some food and water into you. After a good night's rest, we'll head for home." He offered Adam a smile as he wiped the accumulated grime from his stubbled face.

Adam raised a trembling hand and stopped the motion of the older man's hand. "Cain," he said. Even Adam wasn't sure if it was a question or an explanation.

Ben glanced uneasily at the travois his son had been hauling when they'd spotted him. The dead man still rested on it, specks of sand blowing off his stony, dried lips. "Later, son. We'll talk about all of it, later."

"I reckon this'll do, Pa," Hoss called softly behind him. Turning, Ben could see that he'd stretched a blanket off the top of a tall rock and down to the ground, forming a narrow lean-to.

"Lay out my bedroll in there, son," Ben instructed as he rinsed the towel and pulled it across Adam's neck. When Hoss called that the bed was ready, Joe helped his father move Adam into the small space. Ben stripped Adam's torn shirt from him and laid him down on the bedroll, where he continued to bathe him.

For years, Adam had refused to let anyone do for him what he could do for himself. Even when ill, Adam shrank away from his father's ministries, preferring to suffer through on his own. As Ben helped his boy now, though, he saw that his son accepted it completely. He lay on his side, his dark eyes staring blankly at the base of the rock that held up their shelter.

Without being told, Hoss and Joe took Cain's body out of sight and buried it. When they returned, Adam was asleep.

Ben reluctantly stepped out of the shade and spoke quietly to his boys. "I managed to get some more water down him before he drifted off."

"What happened, Pa?" Joe asked urgently, worry written plainly on his face.

"I don't know, Joe, but I don't think we should expect Adam to tell us right away. Whatever it was, he's bound to need time to think it through."

"Is he gonna be all right, Pa?" Hoss asked. "His canteen was empty, and there was just a couple a stale biscuits in that bag."

"I think so. As long as we can get some food and water down him." Squinting against the bright sun, Ben adjusted his hat to better shield his eyes. "We'd better set up a proper camp. Much as I'd like to go straight home, I don't think Adam can make the trip yet."

* * *

He wasn't sure what woke him, but Ben knew that something was amiss. He sat bolt upright, and looked around frantically, impatiently willing his eyes to focus in the darkness. His hand groped next to him, where his oldest son had been sleeping. Finding nothing there, Ben got to his feet. He was finally able to make out the edges of the nearby rocks. "Adam?" he called, stumbling out of the lean-to. "Adam?"

"What's the matter, Pa?" Joe asked, as he got to his feet. Hoss joined him.

"Adam's not here. He must have woken, wandered off." Cupping his mouth with his hands, Ben called again, "Adam?!"

They heard a grunt a short distance away and the three men ran out into the night. He had tripped in the darkness and was scrambling to his feet when Joe and Hoss caught up with him. Each taking an arm, they were shocked when he fought against them.

"Adam! Wake up!" Hoss cried, tightening his grip on Adam's arm. His brother kneed him in the stomach and in surprise he let go. Joe was taken by surprise, as well, when his oldest brother shoved him away and ran farther into the desert.

The two younger brothers exchanged a quick glance and tackled Adam. He screamed and tried desperately to wriggle out of their grip. They held him pinned to the ground, one man on each side. Ben finally caught up with them and kneeled at Adam's feet.

One boot almost knocked him in the head before he realized he should hold down his feet. With one large hand on each of Adam's shins, Ben spoke as calmly as he could. "Adam. It's all right, son, you're with your family now."

"Wake up, Adam!" Joe cried.

Ben's eyes met Adam's, and a cold chill went through his spine as he realized Adam wasn't asleep. "Adam, son, it's your Pa. You don't have to fight anymore, boy, Papa's here. Shhhh..."

It seemed an eternity before the words seemed to sink in. Finally, Ben felt the tension leaving Adam's legs, and he carefully let go. When the legs remained still, he moved closer to Adam's head, silently signaling Hoss and Joe to turn him loose as well.

Sand clung to Adam's sweaty arm as he placed the back of his forearm over his forehead and began to sob again. Ben rested a loving hand on Adam's bare chest. Tears filled his own eyes as he sat beside his boy, at a complete loss for words. After some minutes, with a determined heave, Adam pushed himself to a sitting position. He wiped his eyes as best he could, and then busied himself trying to brush away the sand that seemed to cover his body. He shivered, and accepted the help of his father to stand and walk back to the lean-to.

Joe and Hoss followed in silence, too stunned and frightened by what had transpired to do any more. Adam seemed to have calmed down now, and was responding to their Pa. The two brothers paused a short distance away and watched their father as he tucked Adam in, still soothing him with soft words.

Joe let out a sigh. "What on earth...?" He pondered aloud.

"Whatever happened to him, it drove him plum crazy," Hoss whispered. "He didn't even know us, Joe."

Joe threw his brother a quick glance. Hoss answered the worry-stricken look with an apologetic shrug.

Ben stepped out to join them. He too, whispered. "I think one of us should stay awake. That way, when Adam wakes, we can reassure him before he panics like that."

"I'll sit up with him, Pa," Joe volunteered.

Ben nodded as Hoss asked, "Pa, did he say anything?"

"Just that there was no gold."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Adam licked his lips, then rubbed his mouth violently after his teeth closed over a few grains of sand.

"Adam?"

He lay very still. The voice sounded so much like Little Joe, but that couldn't be...

"Adam, it's all right. We're all here now, Pa, and Hoss and me. We're gonna take you home."

He was hearing things now, he was sure of it. He'd been out here so long, and Cain had finally driven him out of his mind. He'd won. Adam turned to his side abruptly, angrily pulling the tiny cape tighter around him.

Only it wasn't the cape. This was something large, almost like a real blanket. Warily, he opened his eyes. He felt along the edges of the thing that covered him, and as his eyes adjusted to the dim light, he saw that it truly was a blanket.

"Joe?" He asked timidly, almost afraid to hope.

"Right here, brother," Joe answered cheerfully. He gently laid his hand on Adam's shoulder, and was rewarded when the man turned his body back to face him. "We found you today, remember?"

Mouth agape, Adam ticked back through his memories, and managed to piece together something that made sense. Pa holding him. Talking to him. Everything's all right now.

He took a deep breath and stared in wonder at his little brother. Finally, Adam closed his mouth and moved back to his side. He raised his left hand and pressed Joe's hand against his right shoulder, a silent plea: Stay with me.

Joe's hand relaxed against his brother's shoulder, and he smiled slightly. Maybe Adam would be all right, after all. "Get some sleep, brother. I'll stay right here," he said quietly, giving the shoulder a slight squeeze. He felt the man take in a deep breath, then felt the breathing slow and become more rhythmic. Finally, Adam's hand slipped from atop his, and Joe sat back, releasing a deep breath of his own.

Looking to his right, Joe saw his father roll over. He wasn't sleeping soundly, but it was the most rest the man had gotten in days. Joe was weary, too. He could feel it tugging at his eyes, and could feel the lack of energy in his muscles, but he wasn't ready to leave Adam just yet. For days now, he'd feared he was dead, and now here he was, sleeping, inches away. Joe resisted the urge to pet him, afraid he'd wake him. "You sure been through some kind of hell," he whispered, repeating the thought he'd had when they'd first found him.

* * *

Hoss and Adam were sharing a silent breakfast of beef jerky when Ben fought his way out of his blanket in the morning. He smiled and moved over to sit beside them. "Good morning," he said.

"Mornin', Pa." Hoss answered between swallows. Adam continued chewing and offered him a thin smile.

Ben reached out and took Adam gently by the neck. "Good to see you eating something." Again, a thin smile was the response. Ben let his hand drop down to his lap.

"You get some rest, Pa?" Hoss asked.

"Yeah, some." Ben studied Adam carefully. "How are you feeling, Adam?"

"All right, I suppose," was the quiet answer.

"We can camp here another night if you need to," Ben suggested. "It's a long way home."

Adam chewed, and forced a swallow, looking out at the desert around him. The morning sun was just beginning to cast its rays on the rocks, and Adam knew it wouldn't be long before the temperature became nearly unbearable. "I think I've spent enough time in the desert, Pa." He swallowed again, feeling the edge of the meat scrape its way down his gullet. He cleared his throat. "Take me home."

"You're sure, now?" Ben asked, worried that Adam wouldn't have the stamina for the journey.

"I'm sure." Adam picked up the canteen and drank deeply. After replacing the cap, he stood and walked stiffly out into the open. After a moment's searching, he moved around to the back side of a rock, explaining that he needed to relieve himself, so his family wouldn't worry.

He watched the urine darken the sand in front of him, and his thoughts began to wander. Just how long had it been, anyway? He'd lost count. Hoss had said something about how Joe'd been looking for him for two weeks. Jeez, two weeks. It had seemed so much longer. More like six. As he buttoned up his pants, he let out a harsh laugh. His time in the desert hadn't been anything like Christ's, had it?

He huffed a laugh again, and the thought flit across his mind that he'd hardly considered the Lord since he'd been in the desert. Taking a step backwards, Adam leaned his back against the sandstone and stared into the distance. He'd prayed what, twice? And then only at the end of it all. When Cain had caught him trying to escape, with that canteen full of sand. When Cain had proclaimed that he'd won the game.

Adam felt his stomach knotting up, and he swallowed back tears. What had been the point of it all? There was no point, it had been a random event. There was no God. He'd known that all along. He'd only prayed out of desperation.

"Adam?" Pa called timidly from the camp.

Pa had prayed, Adam was sure. But for him, God was real. His father's God listened. His father's God answered prayers.

"Adam, you all right?"

Adam wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his Pa's shirt he was wearing. He cleared his throat and turned to walk back. "Yeah, Pa." Gripping his collar, he pressed the light blue fabric of the shirt between his fingers and took a deep breath, catching his father's scent there. With a slight smile, he realized it was the cleanest clothing he'd worn since he left Joe in the bath house back in Eastgate. Pa'd given it to him during the night. Well, there wasn't a God, but there was Pa. That was something.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Joe's horse was now burdened with two riders. Joe sat behind Adam, steering the horse and watching his brother carefully. It had been a little more than two hours, and both men could feel the beads of sweat rolling down their faces, into their shirts. Adam's head was dipping slightly now, and Joe knew he needed a rest. Little Joe brought the horse to a halt and slid off his back.

"C'mon down, Adam, let's have a rest," he said, offering a helping hand to his brother.

Adam didn't readily accept the help, but he didn't dismiss it either. Once on the ground, he stumbled stiffly to a narrow slip of shade between two rocks and laid himself down.

With concern, Joe grabbed the canteen and carried it over while Hoss and Ben dismounted. "Drink a little water, Adam. You look like you could use it."

Reluctantly, Adam rolled to his side and accepted the canteen. He sipped at it quickly, then tried to hand it back.

"C'mon, now, you need more than that," Joe prodded. Adam shook his head slightly and covered his face with his hand. "Adam, I'm not gonna let you be until you take a good, long, drink of water. I mean it!"

Adam groaned and did his brother's bidding. This time, Joe took the canteen when he held it out to him.

"It wouldn't hurt for you to eat a little something, either. You don't look so good."

Adam closed his eyes wearily and tried to squeeze away the offending voice. "Just wanna sleep," he said hoarsely.

"Adam?" Ben asked gently from somewhere above him.

"Pa, I think he's sick. I got him to take a drink, but it wasn't much."

He could feel the callouses of Ben's hand against the skin of his face. "Probably the heat. Adam, son, you gotta drink some more water. And eat a little something."

"Oh, Pa," he whined and turned his head away.

"No, son. You have to. C'mon, let's sit you up." Hooking his hands underneath him, Ben managed to lift Adam into a sitting position. The man opened his eyes and glared at him. The canteen reappeared, followed by a piece of Hop Sing's bread. It was old, but not as hard as the biscuits from Cain's supplies.

Adam did as he was told, but every bite he swallowed threatened to come right back up. Finally, he took the canteen and drank deeply.

"There, is that helping?"

Adam noted that the headache seemed to be receding, and his eyelids weren't quite as heavy. He nodded.

"Another couple of hours and we'll be to Signal Rock," Hoss observed.

Ben glanced at his boy and smiled slightly. "We'd best rest here a while. Fix up a proper lunch."

"Good idea, Pa," Hoss said, and Adam almost laughed. No matter how trying the circumstances, Hoss' stomach was always the first to recover.

Catching the expression on his face, Ben lightly clapped Adam's shoulder. "Better now?" he inquired.

Adam nodded. "Could still do with some sleep."

"All right then. You rest and I'll wake you when lunch is ready."

"Thanks, Pa." As he moved himself to a more comfortable position, Adam found the pain in his muscles almost too familiar. He hadn't been this sore since the first time he'd busted a bronc.

"Here, Adam," Joe said.

Opening his eyes, he saw that Joe had rolled up a shirt for him to use as a pillow. "Thanks," he said, taking it and pushing it into place.

"Adam! Adam, wake up!"

"No games! No games!" he cried, yanking himself away from their hands.

"You're dreaming, Adam, it's over now!" Hoss gave him a final shake, and Adam's eyes opened in alarm. Sweat poured down his face, and he was panting. He carefully got to his feet and stumbled several yards away, where he fell to his hands and knees and threw up.

* * *

Ben sat alone, staring out at the rising stars. Off to his left, the creek at Signal Rock was bubbling quietly. The boys were asleep now, save for Joe, who took the first watch over Adam.

Thinking back over the events of the day, Ben shuddered. Adam still hadn't explained anything, and there was no point in trying to piece together the scraps... No gold. No games. Cain. He raised a weary hand to his face and swiped it across his whiskers. Adam was inconsolable. At least, Ben had no way to console him. Without more information, he couldn't even begin.

The hand moved from his chin to rake through his thick hair. They'd be home by tomorrow. Then, maybe Adam could find the words to explain.

The cold seeped up from the rock he was sitting on, through the fabric of his pants. He shifted and found a more comfortable position.

If only he hadn't been so selfish. All these years, he'd taught his boys... preached to them, really... that there was no need to worry. "God doesn't give us what we can't handle." A bitter laugh escaped him. Every man had a breaking point. It looked as if Adam was at his.

Hearing voices behind him, he turned and saw Joe's head leaning closer to Adam's. What the boys didn't know was that Ben Cartwright had just found his own breaking point. "That's ridiculous," he told himself. "God hasn't abandoned you. If anything, he's given you a miracle, you old fool."

If that was true, then why was something nagging at him so?

* * *

For three Cartwrights, the lights of the Ponderosa never looked so inviting. The fourth, however, felt a ball in his stomach, tight as a fist. The last time he was here, he'd been a different man.

"It's late and all, but I think we could set up water for baths all around," Ben suggested. All eyes turned to Adam. It was his habit to bathe before turning in after a long trip, no matter the time.

"No, Pa, I'm too tired," he said quietly. "I'll just wash up in my room." Adam walked with some hesitation toward the front door. Hop Sing threw it open and shouted happy greetings in Cantonese.

Adam smiled. Well, he thought he'd smiled. He made his way up to his room, feeling the protests of his aching muscles all the way. Walking past his Pa's room, he inhaled deeply. Pa's room always held the lingering odor of pipe tobacco and aftershave. Just like his shirts. He pushed open the door to his own room, his heart just a bit lighter.

"I don't like it, Pa. It's been three days since we found him, and it's like... like he's a different person." Joe paced back and forth in front of the hearth, his hands moving wildly in front of him as he spoke.

Ben smiled inwardly. Marie used to talk with her hands. Joe would never know just how much he was like her. "Joseph," he began. "In the first place, we've no idea just what he went through. In the second, he's not well."

"That's the truth," Hoss sniffed. "Looks like he lost fifteen pounds since you fellas left for Eastgate."

Joe turned away, his chest pushing out with every breath. His father placed a hand on his shoulder and continued. "Just pray, Joseph. Pray for him." He saw his son's head droop and noticed his breathing slow.

"You reckon we should still sit up with him, Pa, now that we're home?"

As he turned to face him, Ben reached out a hand and tugged at the edge of Hoss' vest. "Let me take care of that tonight, son. You boys get some rest."

* * *

The third time, Adam awoke before he cried out. He stared absently at the timbers in the ceiling, pushing back the thoughts from his nightmare. "Pa," he thought. "Pa was here the last time..." Turning his head, Adam saw the figure of the man, hunched forward in the chair, head bowed over a book. Straining his eyes, he recognized the Bible.

"Praying over me, Pa?"

Ben snapped to attention, closing the book sharply. "N-no, not really." He reached a hand to touch Adam's arm. "All right, son?"

Turning his head away, Adam breathed, "No Pa. I don't think I'll ever be all right again."

The chair creaked as Ben stretched forward even further, hoping that his son would finally shed some light on the horrors he'd been through. "Care to tell me about it?"

It was a long silence, and Ben decided that Adam didn't want to answer the question. He straightened the blanket over his son and leaned his back against the chair.

"When I left Eastgate," Adam paused to swallow, "I was followed by two men. They bushwhacked me, stole the money from the drive. They took Sport, and all my provisions with them." Ben's brow furrowed, and he leaned closer. "I set out walking." Adam chuckled, but it wasn't the laugh of something humorous. "Why the hell I didn't head back to Eastgate, I don't know. I guess I thought it would be shorter to Signal Rock.

"I thought it was a mirage, at first. Out there in the middle of nowhere, a camp. I tried to yell, but my throat was so dry I couldn't make a sound, so I had to hike all the way down and into the camp."

Another long silence, but this time Ben felt it safe to speak. "Cain?"

Nodding, Adam replied. "He gave me water and food and offered to let me stay until I was rested."

Ben studied Adam's face in the ensuing silence, and realized this was all of the story he'd hear tonight. Adam's eyes were fixed on the sailing ship on the wall, not a hint of spark in them. He could see Adam struggling with the memories, and didn't want to upset him further. Touching him gently on the cheek, he said, "That's enough talk for tonight. Whyn't you get some sleep?"

Adam turned to him with a look of gratitude, then curled himself under the blanket and shut his eyes.

"There's always Pa," he thought to himself. "That's something."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The hot bath in the morning was pure bliss. Adam lingered in the water, scrubbing everything two and three times, as if washing away the dirt would wash away the whole experience. At last, when the water became tepid, he stepped out of the tub, dried himself, and pulled on his underwear and pants.

The stubble on his face was filling into a beard, now. In front of the mirror, Adam traced his fingers along the rough edges and decided to shave. He sharpened the blade, lathered himself, and began scraping.

Whether it was because the beard was so full or because his hands were shaking, he wasn't sure, but Adam nicked himself several times. Finally, he dropped the razor with a clatter onto the table and cursed. As he sat there, trying to calm himself, he heard a light tapping at the door.

"Adam?"

The man sat back and sighed. "Come in, Hoss."

His brother walked over with a smile and looked into the mirror. "Looks like that beard's givin' you a mite of trouble, ain't it?"

Adam picked up the razor again in his shaking hand. "I'll manage," he said.

Hoss took the trembling hand in his and pried the razor out of it, gently. "Whyn't you let me try? It's bound to be better than cuttin' yourself to pieces."

After another sigh, Adam consented. With a gentle hand, Hoss lifted his chin and began scraping.

Once he'd finished, Adam had withdrawn again. "There, now you look like your old self again," he pronounced cheerfully. "Let's go down for some breakfast."

Nodding resolutely, Adam pushed himself to his feet. "I heard the shots," he said quietly. "I heard you and Pa callin' for me, but I couldn't..." He stole a glance at his brother. "Cain threw me on the ground, and I just couldn't..."

"It don't matter now, Adam. God led us to you, anyway. You're home now, that's what matters." He clapped a hand on the man's back. "Now, let's go see what Hop Sing's fixed up for breakfast."

Hoss' words struck Adam. God. Well, of course Hoss would believe. Everything is so black and white to him. For just a moment, Adam was envious.

* * *

"We'd best ride out and see to the ranch," Hoss said to Joe as his eyes glanced over Adam's head.

"Hey, Adam, you wanna come along? It's bound to be kinda boring around here, with Pa asleep and all."

Adam smiled politely and scooped the eggs on his plate up against his toast. How right it felt to eat with utensils. "No, I think I'll just stay here," he replied, and took a bite of the bread.

Joe and Hoss stared at each other. The ranch needed tending, but so did Adam, and their father needed all the sleep he could get. "You know, Hoss, on second thought, I think I'd better look after things around here. Old Randy never does brush down the horses properly."

"You don't have to stay on account of me," Adam said, never lifting his head from his plate.

Joe's cheeks burned, ashamed at being caught. "Just the same, I think I'll stay home."

After an uncomfortable silence, Hoss pushed his chair away from the table and wiped his mouth a final time with his napkin. He tossed it onto his plate. "I'll see you fellas at supper."

This left the other brothers to finish their meals quietly. At length, Adam stood from his seat and turned towards the stairs.

"Adam?" Joe called. His brother turned to him. Whatever resolve Joe had to speak was lost. "M-maybe we could have a game of checkers later," he mumbled.

One corner of Adam's mouth turned up, a very unconvincing smile. "Sure." He went slowly up the stairs.

* * *

It was a comfort and a torture to be in his room. One by one, he pulled books off the shelf, thumbed through them, and piled them onto the floor. All this knowledge... he remembered each book, whether fact or fiction, and it was all useless. Adam rolled off the balls of his feet and sat back on the wooden floor, resting his back against the bedframe. His eyes scanned the room. All these familiar things that were a part of him, and yet none of it meant anything.

His eyes fell on the drafting table, and he mentally itemized everything in it. The topmost drawers held his tools: pencils, straightedge, compass, slide rule. A few of his smaller design drawings were rolled, carefully labeled and stacked inside the bottom drawers. The larger rolls stood in a bundle in the corner. All emptiness. What good was a smart man if he wasn't really a man?

Angrily, he shoved aside the pile of books, sending them scattering across the floor. He raised his right hand to his forehead and pressed it there, closing his eyes against the torture inside his head.

"I win... I win..." Cain had said.

Adam drew his forearm across his nose and mouth and again cast his eyes at the drafting table. On the top was an oval porcelain box, hand painted: two cherubs in a sea of delicate flowers, and outlined with gilt seams.

If there was anything in this room that could define him...

He pushed himself up and took the cool porcelain in his hands. He traced the tips of his fingers over the top, feeling the slight elevations of the paint that were the flowers. His fingers brushed against the outline of a cherub. After a moment, he opened it. The mechanical wheel began to spin inside, and the raised edges of the gold struck against the tuned bars.

He stepped backwards then, and again took his place on the floor by the bed. Setting the open box in front of him, he stared into its empty hollow and let the tune order his thoughts.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Ben frowned over his coffee. He'd checked in on Adam before coming downstairs, and the sight which met him was alarming. Adam sat on the floor of his room, a floor littered with books and other precious things. His music box played endlessly, and he seemed to have no desire to talk or to put things back into order. If it had been Joe, it would be different. Order had hardly been a priority to his youngest son. But Adam, as a child, would cry when one of his books was out of place. Ben had broken up more than one fight between his boys due to the misplacement of one of Adam's things.

Joe had reported that Adam had gone upstairs after breakfast and hadn't come down since. It was almost one o'clock now. Hop Sing would have lunch on the table. Perhaps Adam would join them for lunch.

Ben folded his hands in front of him and stared at Adam's empty chair. If he had handed the matter over to God in the first place, maybe Adam would have been spared whatever it was that Cain put him through. Just what was it that made Ben think he was supposed to handle everything himself?

Glancing around the room, he counted the abundant rifles in the racks, noted the fine china in the cabinet and the expensive decorative items. The Ponderosa. He'd had to handle more than his share of problems to make this dream a reality. But hadn't God given him that dream?

Was all of this wealth the result of years of selfishness? Had God really been calling him to something else?

* * *

Ben pressed the door open to his eldest's room and carefully stepped inside. It was slightly more organized than the last time he'd seen it: although Adam hadn't put the books away, at least they were in neat stacks on the floor.

"Hello, Pa," Adam called from the bed.

"I just wanted to stop in and say goodnight," Ben explained. He pulled a chair closer to the bedside and sat down. "Would you like to talk about it some more?"

"I don't know, Pa, none of it makes any sense."

"Son, I don't know the whole story yet, but I've a feeling it will never make any sense."

Turning his head, Adam focused his eyes on the nearly empty bookcase. "Cain showed me a gold nugget. Said he was very near to a vein and he couldn't spare his mule until after he'd found it. He told me if I stayed and helped him for three days, then I could use his mule to get back home." Adam's eyes found his father's in the lamplight. "But there was no gold, Pa. Cain knew it all along. He was a... wicked man, Pa. All he wanted was to make me... uncivilized. He wanted me to kill him."

Ben's face was drawn tight, trying to make sense of the story he was being told. He was so deep in thought that he almost didn't hear the next sentence from his son.

"I almost did."

Ben's head snapped toward the younger man in surprise. "But, Adam, when we found you, you were almost dead yourself, trying to drag him out of there!"

Adam's cheeks colored a little from shame. "You don't understand, Pa."

Ben took a deep breath. "No, I reckon I don't."

"Good night, Pa. You don't have to stay with me any more, I'll be fine."

"If it's just the same to you, I'd like to stay with you until you're asleep, then I'll go."

Their eyes briefly met again, then Adam rolled onto his side. "Good night, Pa."

"Good night, son."

* * *

Little Joe sat by his brother's bedside and tried to piece together what he knew of the story. Pa had told them that Adam didn't want to be watched over tonight, but Joe figured he would just look in on him and then leave him be.

That Cain must have been out of his mind. "Well," Joe surmised, "living by yourself out in the middle of nowhere like that is bound to make a man crazy." Adam began to mumble in his sleep, and Joe poised over him, trying to understand the words.

"...all along? No... no!"

Seeing that it was becoming a nightmare, Joe put his hands on his brother to wake him. Adam lurched at Joe wildly and grabbed him by the throat, screaming "No more games!" Adam shoved his brother against the wall, knocking a painting loose. He continued, "No more games!"

Hoss and Ben burst into the room at the same time, awakened by the noise. Seeing that Adam was choking Little Joe, Hoss grabbed Adam bodily from behind and pulled him away as his father pried Adam's fingers loose. "Adam, Adam!" Hoss shouted, squeezing him roughly as he said his name.

As Adam awoke, he realized what he'd done and relaxed his body. Hoss let go of him, and Adam turned away. He walked to the dresser at the other side of the room. Placing his hands firmly along the sides of it, he hung his head.

"I'm all right, Pa!" Joe whispered. He nodded his head towards the door, indicating that he wanted to talk to Adam alone. Ben and Hoss shared a look of worry, then filed outside the door, shutting it gently behind them.

"Adam?" Joe asked.

Adam lashed out at his brother. "What were you thinking, Joe? Why couldn't you just leave me alone!"

"Adam, it's all right, I'm fine. What was it, a nightmare?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Adam, you almost killed me. The least you can do is explain why."

"Oh, Joe, leave me alone!" He flattened his palms on the dresser top and leaned his weight into his arms.

"You thought I was Cain, didn't you?" Little Joe watched his brother closely. He didn't respond to the question, but lowered his head further, his chest heaving. "Adam, it was a dream. You didn't hurt me. I'm fine." Joe took two steps closer to his brother. When he spoke again, his voice was barely a whisper. "Tell me about it, Adam."

Slowly, Adam raised one arm to rest his elbow on the dresser top. He rubbed his forehead and took a deep breath.

The floor gave a slight squeak as Joe shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He said nothing.

"You remember what I told you back in Eastgate?" Adam began. Getting no answer from his brother, he continued. "No one could drive me to kill." Adam leaned both elbows on the dresser, folding his hands in front of him. "I lied to you, Joe."

"But Adam, you didn't kill Cain, you tried to save him!"

"The mule was dead. We'd been working without food and water for a full day. Then he dug into the sand and pulled out... there was a canteen and a sack of food he'd buried. He showed it to me, and said it was just enough for one of us to get out alive. He had a loaded rifle in his hand. Cain put it down on the ground and stepped away. He said he was gonna count to five, and whichever one of us lived would..."

Adam paused and straightened his body. He turned slightly towards his brother, but his eyes were still distant. "I didn't let him get to five. My hands were around his neck and I was choking him. I wanted to kill him so bad I could taste it.

"But then he asked for it, and I knew it was all part of his game. I made for the food and water and started out." Raising his hand, Adam pressed his palm against the top of the bedpost. "Then he reminded me how I got stranded out there."

"But you didn't do it, Adam. He didn't make you kill. You stopped yourself."

Adam snapped his head angrily at his brother. "But you don't know how badly I wanted to! Can't you understand that?!"

Joe nodded slowly, keeping his voice even. "Yeah, I guess I understand. That crazy bastard showed you that you were human just like the rest of us. And you don't like it." He paused until his brother's angry groan quieted. "What's the matter, Adam? You think I won't look up to you any more because you lost control for little while?" Joe stepped closer, until his face was inches from the back of Adam's head. "You're my brother, Adam. You can hide your feelings all you want, but I know you have 'em. And I'll tell you something else: knowing you're a man just like me, that you could feel a rage like that... well, I guess I'm just trying to say... you're my big brother, and you could never do anything that would make me stop admiring you."

Sweat was covering his palm, and Adam rubbed it into the polished wood of the bedpost.

"Look, Adam, I can't imagine what you went through out there, not really. But if it makes you understand something about yourself, maybe there was a reason for it after all." Joe paused. " 'It is an ill wind that blows NO good', isn't that what that book says?

"Well, I'm goin' to bed. Good night, brother," he said as he gave Adam's shoulder a gentle pat, then left the room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"Coffee, Pa?" Hoss asked from behind his father.

Turning his gaze from the glowing embers of the hearth, Ben smiled and accepted. "Thank you, son."

"What's troubling you, Pa?"

"Hmmm? Just worrying about Adam."

"That's all?"

Ben smiled and took a sip of his coffee. "That's all."

Hoss set his jaw and placed the china cup carefully on the coffee table. "Dadburnit, Pa," he began, "I been watchin' you for 5 days now, and I know you're worried about Adam, we all are, but there's somethin' else gnawin' away at you, too."

As his mouth turned into a frown, Ben turned back to the hearth. "That's ridiculous, Hoss. I'm just worried about Adam." Angrily, he took another sip of coffee.

"It ain't ridiculous, Pa." He raised a hand and scratched the back of his head. "Blamed if you and Adam ain't just alike! Always pretendin' things are fine. You ain't foolin' me, Pa. Now, out with it."

The coffee cup lowered, and Ben's fingers met around it. His mind was whirling.

"Pa?"

"Oh, Hoss," he sighed, turning to face him again. "I can't even sort it out in my own mind. I don't know how to explain it to you!"

Excited that his father was willing to talk to him, Hoss sat down on the edge of the red chair. "It's all right, Pa. It don't have to make sense. Just start talkin'."

His father took another sip of his coffee and seated himself wearily on the coffee table. "It's been a long, hard, road," he said. "This success did not come without a price. I've," he corrected himself, "We've lost a lot along the way."

Hoss' thoughts turned to his mother, and he nodded soberly.

"Out on the trail... All that time, I was determined to find him. I didn't sleep. I had to be the one who found him."

"You was worried, Pa, we all were."

"No, it was something else, I think... Then, you boys convinced me that we weren't gonna be able to find him, and finally, something inside of me let go." The man finished off his coffee. "And there he was."

Hoss waited patiently. He wasn't sure just what it was his Pa was trying to say.

"I raised you boys, all of you, to be strong, God-fearing men. I've fancied myself to be one." He threw his son an uncertain glance. "If I hadn't been so stubborn... I just think... maybe we would have found him..."

"Pa, you're blamin' yourself for not finding him before we did?!" Hoss was shocked. "We looked all around that country for days! You did everything any man coulda done!"

"Hoss, you're not listening to me!" His hands gripped the edge of the coffee table. "As soon as I handed it over, there he was. God brought him back to us, but not until I sincerely gave him over!"

An uneasy silence settled over them. Hoss sniffed, then cleared his throat. "What, like Abraham and Isaac?" Hoss shook his head angrily. "Pa... the way I see it, God cain't do everything for people. He expects us to do for ourselves, and he lends a hand now and then. I don't think there's any call for you to blame yourself about what happened. I think it was a miracle we found him, and we should just flat out be thankful for that. And if you're thinkin' that all the other troubles... our Mas dyin', all the hard work it's been buildin' this ranch... if you're thinkin' those troubles were caused by somehow you not havin' enough faith, well, I'm sorry Pa, but you're wrong. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and I reckon God has a reason behind it all." Hoss reached up and rubbed at the stubble on his chin. "I reckon it's kinda like them old meadows out there. Without the winter to take all them colors away, I don't reckon we'd know the summer was so pretty."

Ben pondered his son's wisdom for a moment, and jumped when Hoss touched his sleeve. He was standing again, leaning over his Pa.

"Want another cup of coffee, Pa?"  
"No," Ben said, smiling. "Thank you, son."

Hoss returned the smile, realizing that the thanks were not just for the coffee. "G'night, Pa." He patted his father on the back as he passed, then walked up the stairs.

* * *

Ben approached the storehouse with apprehension. Adam had been working in there all morning, and Ben had been postponing the conversation for as long. As he came closer, he smiled. The storehouse was nearly empty. Adam had brought nearly everything outside and sorted it in the yard. Perhaps the old Adam was coming back, after all.

Adam appeared in the doorway with a crate full of tools in his hands. "Oh, hi Pa," he said. Ben watched him walk outside and set the crate down with the other tools. Adam stood up straight and wiped the sweat off his forehead onto his sleeve. "This place was a disaster. No way we could have found anything before."

"I'm sure you'll set it right," Ben said, grinning.

"I just hope it takes those brothers of mine a good long while to wreck it. I didn't know what I was getting into this morning." Adam smiled then, the first really genuine smile Ben had seen on his face since they brought him back from his ordeal. "Somethin' on your mind, Pa?"

"Yes, Adam, actually... I wanted to have a word with you."

Adam gestured to the barrel next to him and sat himself down on a crate. "My junkpile is your junkpile."

"Unfortunately that's all too true," Ben said sheepishly as he settled on the barrel. A moment of silence followed, as Ben considered how to broach the subject. Ultimately, he decided the direct approach was the only way. "Adam, I'm sorry."

Adam could not hide the surprise on his face. "Sorry for what, Pa?"

"I'm sorry I didn't find you sooner. I'm sorry I gave up the search. I'm sorry I didn't have the faith I should have. I'm sorry to have sent you out there in the first place."

Adam was stunned, speechless. He replayed his father's words in his head and thought about them. "Pa, I don't know what exactly you mean by all that, but if you think that you could have kept me from going through what I did, well... It just happened. Maybe it was destined to happen, I don't know. I don't blame you for anything."

Ben allowed himself a half-smile. "That's nice to hear, son, but the fact is I blame myself. And it feels better somehow to tell you about it. If there's a point to it at all, I guess it's to learn from it. Suffice it to say that I'll try to be a better man from here on out."

Now Adam was truly shocked. He'd never thought of his father as anything but a good man. He'd spent his whole lifetime looking up to him, and had never fathomed that his Pa had doubts about himself or his faith. "Pa, don't."

"No, Adam, it's something I've thought about for a week, and now that I've told you, I can get a fresh start." Ben stood and patted his son's shoulder as he walked by, heading back to the house.

"Pa," Adam called softly, staring at the ground before him.

"Yes, son?" He turned back and froze his steps.

Adam took a deep breath and looked out at the horizon. "Pa, I've been thinkin'..."

When his boy hesitated, Ben was drawn closer. He stepped forward until he was at Adam's side.

Releasing a heavy sigh, Adam continued. "I been tryin' to make sense of it all... I just can't. if there's any sense to it at all, it comes down to one of two things: either there is no purpose to anything and it was just a random event and dumb luck that you all found me, or it happened for a reason and God led you to me." Adam slowly lifted his head to look into his father's eyes. He blinked back the tears that he thought he felt welling up in his eyes. "I can't for the life of me decide which it is."

"Oh, Adam!" Ben said, feeling his throat constrict with emotion. He longed to reach out to his son, but did not. Instead, he squatted down on the ground so that he could see his son, eye to eye.

"The only thing I've decided for sure is that I have faith in you," Adam said, and a single tear escaped as he looked into his Pa's eyes.

"Oh, son," Ben said, and reached out to take his boy in a firm hug. For the second time in a week, he held his oldest son as if he were a child again. The shock of it was that Adam hugged him back.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

They could have gotten there much faster if they sped their horses to a canter or a trot, but Hoss and Joe were deep in conversation.

"I feel like my hands are tied, Hoss."

"I know what you mean, Little Joe. I was talkin' to Pa the other night, and I don't know if it did him any good. He blames himself, Joe."

"How can he blame himself? That doesn't make any sense!"

"I reckon it don't have to make sense, Joe. Pa sent the two of you off with those cattle. He figures he took one too many gambles in buildin' this ranch, I guess."

"That's crazy. I wanted to go on this trip so bad I could taste it. All of us did. You remember how mad you were when you lost the draw? How can Pa blame himself? It was just business."

Hoss nodded in agreement. "There's somethin' more to it." Joe looked at his brother expectantly. "Somehow, Pa feels like he let God down. Like all this happened because he wasn't a good enough man."

Joe sighed and rolled his eyes. "That's just great, ain't it?!" He said sarcastically. "What you figure we ought to do?"

The big man shrugged. "Give 'em time, I guess. I dunno, but I think Pa's hurtin' as much as Adam." With a yell, he commanded Chubb into a gallop. Joe followed.

* * *

Ben rode uncomfortably into town. He hadn't been on a horse since they'd brought Adam home, and he was feeling the pain. He stiffened his legs slightly and his hind end thanked him for the brief respite. Ahead, he saw the outline of Reverend Williams' buggy. He slowed a bit, not really wanting to encounter the preacher.

It did him no good, however. The minister suddenly stopped his carriage and stepped down. "Oh, Good afternoon, Mr. Cartwright," he called pleasantly. He'd not been in town very long. He still addressed his congregation formally.

"Reverend Williams," Ben said politely.

"I heard you had a miracle last week," he said. "Thank the Lord."

"Yes," Ben said awkwardly.

Looking at his horse, the minister pushed his hat back off his brow and sighed heavily. "Well, that's trouble, then," he whispered.

"What's the trouble, Reverend?"

"This poor creature," he replied, gesturing at the animal's flank. "He's gone and hurt himself. I can't force him to continue." He scratched his head. "The trouble is, I need to be at Mrs. Hardy's by supper. She's asked me to come and be with her and her mother."

Ben looked down sadly. He had heard the news that Mrs. Hardy's mother was not long for this world. "I'd be happy to loan you my horse," he offered. "And take care of your critter, there."

The Reverend's face lit up like a lamp. "Oh, thank you, Mr. Cartwright! The Lord always provides, doesn't he?" He waited for Ben to dismount and pull the mail from his saddlebags. "You sure are a blessing, Mr. Cartwright. I'll remember you in my prayers." He retrieved his Bible and a small package from the buggy and tucked them away into the saddlebags. "I'll put him up in the livery tonight."

"I'll leave word there about your horse," said Ben. He waved to the minister as he resumed his trip down the road.

Ben frowned and turned his attention to the injured horse. "Whoa, boy," he said calmly as he moved in close and unhitched him. The horse was limping, and seemed grateful to be free of his burden. Ben felt his flank, and gently patted him. "You are hurtin', aren't you, boy?" Ben scratched the animal's chin. "Not to worry, I'll take good care of you."

Ben gathered up the reins and stored them harmlessly out of the way. He attached a lead rope to the halter and tied it to the side of the carriage. Then he stretched his arms and back and moved to the front of the vehicle. Folding his arms across his chest, he studied the buggy for a moment. Any sensible man would leave it by the road and bring back a fresh horse to pull it into town. Ben didn't feel like making the extra trip, though. Stepping forward, he put the weight of the carriage against his shoulders and began to drag it behind him, the horse limping slowly alongside.

Thoughts pounded in his mind along with each heavy footstep:

_STEP. Adam, exhausted, struggling against the weight he drug behind him._

_STEP. If I hadn't sent him in the first place..._

_STEP. Nothing is more important than my precious boys, not even the ranch._

_STEP. My God, I could have lost him._

_STEP. The torture that man put him through._

_STEP. My Lord, I didn't trust in You._

_STEP. My shirt drenched with his tears._

Ben could feel his heart pounding, but the sensation was somehow satisfying. He plodded on, dragging the whole lot slowly towards Virginia City.

* * *

"About time you got home," Adam said as he met his brothers in the barn.

"Hey, Adam."

"Hi."

"I need to show you around the storehouse. I don't intend cleaning it again for quite a while," Adam said.

Hoss and Joe exchanged a quick wink. "Sure thing, brother. Let's just get these horses up." They were pleased again when Adam lent them a hand. They followed him across the yard to the shed and waited while he unlocked the door. The sun was beginning to set, so Adam lit a lamp.

"Over here are all the tools. I sorted them all out, so be careful putting things back. The hardware is organized in those bins. I have rope and leather over there. Oh, and I put the dynamite in this barrel in the middle, so don't be stumbling around in here in the middle of the night. I don't want to have to explain your demise to Pa."

It was meant as a joke, and they all smiled. Hoss elbowed Little Joe. "Little Joe, remind me again why we decided to bring him back?"

Joe chuckled.

Adam slapped Hoss on the shoulder. "Let's go get some supper."

The three men smiled together as they shut the storehouse and went back to the house.

* * *

"You all right, Ben?" Dennis asked.

The exhausted man stopped and dropped the weight off his shoulders. He began to rub them carefully.

"I ain't the smartest man in town," Dennis said, "but it seems to me you ain't doin' this right. Ain't the horse supposed to pull the man?"

Ben chuckled at the joke. He explained between breaths, "Preacher's horse is hurt. I told him I'd take care of things."

Dennis' eyes lit up with understanding, but he continued, "You couldn't a left the buggy by the roadside 'til tomorrow? That's what I'da done."

Ben shrugged, then regretted doing it. He massaged his sore shoulders a little more deeply. "Help me with it?" He asked.

"I'll do better than that, I'll take care of it. You sit down a while."

Ben walked away from the rig and eased himself down onto a wooden crate outside the livery door. Within minutes, Dennis had taken the horse inside and reappeared with a glass of water. Ben took it gratefully and quenched his thirst.

"I heard what happened to Adam," Dennis said as he leaned against the wall next to Ben. "He all right?"

Ben shrugged. "Starting to be."

"It's a terrible thing," Dennis said. "Must have scared you out of your wits."

"That it did," Ben agreed. He drank the rest of the water down.

"I'll refill it for ya," offered Dennis, holding out his hand.

Ben handed him the glass.

"You know, Ben," he said, "these things ain't nobody's fault." He took the glass to refill it, leaving Ben staring after him.

They worked together to put away the carriage, and Dennis loaned Ben a horse for the ride home.

* * *

"Adam?" Ben asked, peering from the landing on the stairs at the dark form on the settee.

"Pa, you startled me," he answered. "I didn't expect anyone else would be up."

Ben came down the stairs fully into the flickering glow thrown off by the fire. "You all right?"

"I suppose," said Adam. "I had a dream. Couldn't sleep afterwards... kept thinking about it."

"Cain?" Ben asked timidly.

"No, Pa, not this time." He scooted over to make room for his Pa. "I was in New England. You remember that street that went from the wharf to Grandpa Stoddard's house?" Ben nodded and Adam continued. "Mother was walking with me. We were going home." He sat back and folded his arms across his chest. "I guess we'd just seen you off on a ship."

There was a moment of brooding quiet, then Adam cleared his throat and continued. "I was pretty mad. I guess I thought you should have stayed home with us. I remember I asked her why you had to keep going out there, over and over again, leaving us to wonder if we'd ever see you again."

He crossed one leg over the other and clasped his hands around his knee. "She stopped me right there in the street. She said, 'Son, unless a man faces a challenge, he'll never be satisfied that he's really a man.'"

One of the logs popped loudly and a small spark landed on the stone hearth. Ben eased himself down next to his son. "What do you make of it all?" he asked.

Adam grinned and shrugged. "You think she would have said something like that, Pa?"

It was Ben's turn to smile. "Sounds just like her. Your mother walked a fine line between playful and profound. That's where you got that good head on your shoulders."

"There's more. I asked her why you couldn't take me with you. She said, 'Some things are just between a man and his God. Having us around would just complicate things.' She said you'd just end up resenting us both." Leaning forward, Adam rubbed his hands together. "She touched my cheek, and I woke up." He turned his head, and his teeth showed when he spoke. "Well, what do you think, Pa?"

"Humph," Ben grunted. "I think your mother was talking to us both." They listened to the flames crackle. "I suppose we get too comfortable sometimes. Something like this happens, and we get forced to sort things out. Sometimes we find out we're not who we thought we were."

"Feels good to have it sorted out, though," Adam offered with a smile.

A sudden warmth washed over Ben. He reached out with his left hand and gave his son's shoulder a loving squeeze. The two sat staring at the flames together, comfortably at home.

THE END


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